I Have A Plan

He Has My Feet ...

Proverbs 16:9

"We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps"

Something has changed in my heart. I live fully for God. I have spent so much of my time crying out to God that He would show me how to surrender everything to and for Him. I always felt like I was but then realized how much I was holding on to. I was a child caught taking candy, and only giving half of my handful while hiding the other half. My hand was clenched so tight that I didn't know how to open it. I asked God over and over to help me open my fists and let Him have it all. He never forced my surrender. He never pulled my fingers apart. All He did was love me, and I soon saw how deep His love is, and I knew that I was missing so much by holding on to the small things. Again I tell you that I would give ANYTHING to walk with Jesus. I would go anywhere He tells me to. He has become my best friend. God is teaching me how to have a partnership with Him, while still letting Him be my leader. I want to experience the greatness of God. I want to be His servant, and His child. My life is devoted to the glory of my King and His Kingdom. In everything that I do, I do for Him.

I was listening to this woman share pieces of her story with us. I had been feeling so dry and distant from everything and everyone. All of the sudden I was overwhelmed by the tears in my eyes. My throat was hurting and I was taking so long to get the words out. I thanked her for sharing her story of pain and suffering. I expressed my amazement of God's mercy and love. She was living proof of that. I dont remember much of what I said, but I remember looking at her and seeing the beauty of Christ all over her. She lived through hell, and I would have never guessed had she not told us. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so deeply about it, and why I was getting so emotional over it. I have heard many heartbreaking stories and never had any kind of reaction like that. She is completely captured by Him. This is when everything changed. My world was turned upside down. All of the sudden I understood. Christ found me. Christ saved me. He brought me out of hell. I was dead, and He gave me life. He gave me that for His purpose and His Kingdom. If I want to live for Him, I have to put my ALL into it. Like the Bible says, there is no lukewarm. He is capturing me. He delights in me and wants me to have a close and growing relationship with Him. I want that too.

A couple of months ago Hannah Smith (my sister), told me that I had to read her book called The Robe. I began it but stopped after the first chapter because I didn't have the time to read it. When I started to feel this change in me I decided to finish this book. It's about a Roman man who crucified Jesus and was left with His robe. It is fictional of course, but it really gave me some perspective. This book allowed me to see God in the human form of Jesus. I began to better understand the personality of Jesus. God was using this simple read, to speak so much into my heart. I have a deeper understanding of the Bible. I dont mean to say that The Robe was my answer, but it was a vessel used by God to speak directly to me the way He knew I could understand. I talk to Jesus all the time now. I feel Him all the time. I want to live my life as though He is walking right next to me because that is how I see Him.

I am a dreamer, and there is nothing wrong with that except that I tend to live in those dreams. I was privileged to spend a week with my dad this Christmas. He took the time to be intentional with me and take interest in my life and encourage me with a heart of love. He told me that it's good to have dreams, but the mistake is when we start living in those ideas and forget about where we are right now, and the path that reaches those dreams. I first heard my thoughts begin denying that I live that way, and instantly my heart was telling me to shut up. I prayed constantly that God would open my ears and eyes to see Him through everything, as my dad and I shared thoughts and opinions. I began to recognize something deeper then the conversation. I am fully aware of my pride and many other weaknesses, so I begged that God would soften my heart to Him and to my dad. I know that Dad wasn't telling me that I live in my dreams, but I soon allowed myself to accept that I am that way. As my dad spoke to me, I heard the voice of God say "listen to Me", and so I did. I knew that God was using my dad to speak to me.

I have been planning a trip back to Uganda, along with my sister and our close friend. I have been so excited about going back, and although I didn't know when that would be, I moved in the direction of taking another trip. We each shared our reasons for going back with my grandparents. They have been very encouraging and supportive of the direction we are going. We really believe that God is in this.

As my dad started talking to me about my need to get a job I started to check out of the conversation. That's when I heard God demand my attention. Something inside of me clicked. Dad talked to me about my need to focus and to be open minded to all possibilities. I have not had very much of an experience of a day-to-day job, being on a pay roll and earning an income to support my living. That doesn't mean I dont know how to work, I just dont know much about being an independent adult in the eyes of this world. My dad has his reasons for me getting a job, but that isn't what pushed me to agree with this plan. I love my dad so much, there are no words to describe how much I love him. I want to show my dad how much I love him by honoring him. I also believe that God is taking me somewhere. I am willing to do whatever He wants me to, even if it means getting a minimum wage or low paying job in some other state, or country. I have never trusted anyone more then I trust my God. I feel as though Jesus has just found me sitting on my porch dreaming of what I could be, and said "follow Me". I'm walking with Him now. I don't need to know the plan or how things will happen. He has given me confidence in my faith and trust in Him. He has blessed me with the love of SO many people. God has given me so much. Now I will go out and do what He ask's of me, by first getting a job. :D

Blair Olivia Burke.

Deeper

Then Deep ......

He began reading from the book, "The Boxcar Children". His pronunciations were perfect. He paused only for a moment then said the word correctly. With an occasional glance he would look to see if he was holding my attention. I was perfectly content to sit there as long as he read. His enthusiasm was hard to ignore. I was actually quite interested in the story of the book. I was so happy that I would sometimes giggle, causing him to turn and frown at me. I was never laughing at his reading but something was happening inside me. All the sudden tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. This 9 year old boy looked at my pathetic attempt to hide my emotions, and smiled in a way that forced my happy tears out. I didn't know what had come over me. To cry over a little boy reading seemed completely ridiculous. Yet there I was happily crying as he continued to read me the story.

.....

Laying there wide awake, with nothing but the light of the moon shining through the window, I could think of nothing to solve my problem. To be honest, I wasn't even sure it was a problem. For some odd reason I didn't feel anything. In comparison to Robyn, I am not as expressive of my emotions as she can be. I know whats going on inside of me and how I am doing, my thoughts usually reveal the cause of my emotions. Something was different, because I wasn't feeling anything and I wasn't thinking about anything. The only thing I could feel was confused and frustrated because my mood wasn't changing. I wasn't sure if I was upset, hurt, content, peaceful, or happy. When I woke that morning, I was discouraged to find that everything was the same, and I was still in this sober and boring mood. Nothing changed throughout the day. My had been filled with things to be happy about, but I remained detached from everything and everyone. Going to bed that night I begged God to help me feel joy, excitement, and love. Again I woke feeling that same emptiness. It was only Momm (Pam) and I for the morning and we decided to go into town for some shopping. My frustration was building and I decided it was time to vent, and Momm was my only listener. It took long enough to get everything out. I struggled to find the words, because there really was no way to explain it right. When I finally finished I waited, anxious to know what advice our input she had. She suggested that maybe God was changing me, and explained that sometimes change is uncomfortable.

Twice that day I was surprised by the overwhelming amount of emotion that took over me at such strange times. I sat by myself just waiting for the tears to stop. Hannah and Robyn sat in front of me waiting for me to say something. All of the sudden it just poured out of me. The truth of my feelings were becoming known to me as I was speaking them. I had never been so full of amazement of God. I was on overload of love for Him and admiration, and it was making me cry. I was curious if this was a result of lack of sleep, or some other reason to cause me to be so emotional. If it was genuine, I was afraid that it wasn't going to last. To my amazement I feel just as deeply as I did that day. There was a drastic change in my heart and I was grateful, for it was an answer to my prayers to be drawn closer to Jesus. I am feeling Him more and more. For so long, sometimes without being aware of it, I never knew Jesus as being a man once living on this earth. I saw Him as being "out there", up in Heaven looking down on us. I didn't know Him as having a personality, and being able to relate to Him. I was discovering the intimacy with Him that I had been missing out on, because of my false assumptions about who God is. I feel Him all the time. I see Him in everything good around me. Now I cry almost every time I talk about Him. My identity is in Him. He lives is me. I cant even begin to describe the excitement and honor that gives me. Things change when nothing else matters. If Jesus walked up to me and said "follow me", I would leave everything, no matter what it was, and follow Him.That is what He has said to me. I am not afraid of losing the things and relationships I have. I trust Him with everything I have, and everything I need. He found me and brought me to life, so I must follow Him. To me there is no greater purpose then that. I will spend the rest of my life doing His will and glorifying Him. His love has no ends, no limitations, and no requirements. His love is forever, unconditional, and for everyone. He is always with me, always loving me. He is always with you, always loving you. I'm done putting God into a box, and limiting Him and His power by my own human imaginations. I have no expectations of The Creator of the earth. It is the most freeing thing to give up my pride, control, and doubt. God is so good, and I am so in love.

Be blessed my friends ... your in my prayers.

~ Blair Olivia

The Beginning

In Every Day

continued...

What are you doing? Where are you going with your life? These are the questions everyone is asking me. These are the questions I have been asking myself. Before I went to Uganda I had a plan. I was going on a trip and when I got back I was going to get a place with a friend, go to school and get my Massage Therapy license, and start working towards owning my own business. God had a much more different plan for my life. Going to Uganda wasn't just a trip. It was a life changing experience I will never forget. God had changed my heart and made it His and now I belong to Him. I have my own personal relationship with Christ. Do you understand how amazing it is for me, Blair Olivia Burke, to be saying this? Only one year ago I was the one mocking anyone who talked about God, even family members. Now I cant get enough of Him. Christ change my plans. He changed my life. He changed my heart. He showed me the person He always intended for me to be. When I came back to the US I was surprised how nothing was working out. I couldn't get a job, wasn't able to find a place to live with my best friend. Nothing was happening the way I thought it would.

I began to understand how much I needed God's direction. During my last days in Uganda, Papa was talking to me, and told me I was filled with lots of good insight, but had no wisdom. That was a hard one to swallow. When I had a chance to reflect on that, I realized that my good insight was useless without the wisdom of how to use it and how to live life skillfully, as Papa likes to put it. Being back in the States, I was challenged daily. Coming back into my every day life, my friends, my family, routines, it was easy to fall back into that. As time went on, I reached my breaking point. I began to write emails to Momm and Papa, about how much of a struggle the adjustment was. Robyn and I began talking to each other about the possibility of living with Momm and Papa when they got back. Only a couple days later, we received an email from them asking if we wanted to live with them. I could only cry.

Why did we decide to live with them? God had made such a drastic change in my heart and made me new, so we decided that if we wanted to be grounded and strong in our faith then we also needed to change our surroundings and environment. God can be found anywhere, and you can meet with Him anywhere. We were at the beginning of our relationship with Jesus, and needed to be surrounded by people who know and love us and encourage us in a healthy way. We wanted to be mentored by our grandparents, who are more like friends then grandparents. God took us to Africa to build the foundation, and now He has us here in our reality to face our fears and challenges, so that He can do the more detailed work and continue to work in our lives and push our growth in Him. I feel like I have grown SO much since being back here in Oregon. We have been spending our days helping anyone in any way that we can. We spend our mornings with Momm and Papa, for some reading, reflecting and sharing love. I enjoy every moment that I get with these young people. God is really using them to teach me how to grow and help me in this transition in my life.

For those of you who dont know where I come from or what my story is, let me tell you this, I was dead and I was in hell on earth, and Jesus saved me from death and gave me life and I cant stop craving for more of Him. It's like drinking water for the first time after living your life on the desert, and I cant stop soaking His love, and I dont want to stop. It's a painful life to never know how to love, and to never feel capable of being loved. I didn't know it was possible for anyone to really love me. I didn't know what it was like to really love someone. I never knew that God loves me so much that He sent His one and ONLY Son to die for me, so that He could give me life, and bring me from the dead. In just a short time, I went from believing that God isn't real and if He was then I hated Him, to being found and saved by Him, and loving Him more then anything in my life. Every day He is drawing me closer to Him. Today I spent a couple hours just me, my bible and some music. Soon I set the music down and read my bible out loud. I began laughing in realization that I never imagined being so in love with Jesus the way that I am. I sang to Him, and I talked with Him. I set everything down. The picture of my prayer came to me. I am at His feet, as He sits on His throne. Begging Him to speak to me, guide me, help me, and He smiles at me, reaches His hand out and draws me in to be filled with His overwhelming love. I cried tears of admiration and amazement of the love of Jesus.

I know the next question. What are you going to do when Paul and Pam leave for Uganda again? My answer is that I dont know. I am not worried about it. I am learning how to be patient with God and allow Him to do everything in His timing. I dont have a job. I'm not going to school. I'm not married. I dont have anything holding me back from doing whatever it is that God is calling me to do. My heart is open and I am willing to say yes to whatever He has for me. I have dreams. I want to go back to Uganda and go to school, but I trust that He will point me in the right direction when He knows I am ready to move forward in whatever it is. I feel so blessed because I am discovering something new and beautiful about my Father. I have never felt more at peace and happy about life. I am ready to do whatever God ask's of me.Every day brings opportunity for new beginnings.

I love you all. God bless.

Blair Olivia.

A Bit of Truth

continued...

My heart began pounding against my chest, and I could feel the beats in my ears. The palms of my hands started to sweat. I tried to force out the sobs I knew I so badly needed. The moment I looked out the window everything inside me went numb. With my sister sitting next to me, holding my hand, I had absolutely nothing to say. We were home. Or were we? Where is home? What is "home" to me? I guess I can say that I wont reach my true home until I enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Weeks before our return, Robyn and I had started our preparation for the next transition in our lives. Going home. The excitement in me was growing. I couldn't wait to meet everyone again, and let them get to know the real me. I wouldn't say the "new" me, because this is who God intended for me to be. I was just lost, and that was the "old" me. We waited in line at customs, and the nervousness kicked in. What was there to be nervous about? Plenty. As we entered that hall that leads to all the family's waiting for their loved ones to return, I put a smile on my face. A good friend of mine in Jinja once told me about the American smile. He told me that Americans have fake smiles and they do it well. He would point out my fake smile every time it was on display. The thing was I never knew I had a fake smile. It was such a habit for me, because we do it out of courtesy, in an attempt to make someone feel better or to hide our own insecurities and secrets. My friend told me, that the Africans don't have fake smiles. Every time they smile, it has genuine meaning to it. I started to pay attention to the people around me and to myself. I found out that he was completely right. From then on I chose to quit smiling out of politeness or just because I felt like I had to. From then on I was smiling because of a true happiness in me. The more reason I found to be happy, the more I smiled.

Walking into the hall to meet my own family, was the first time in a long time that I forced one of those American smiles on my face. Knowing that I was doing this made me afraid. Afraid that they would see through it, afraid that I would hurt them, afraid that I would always be wearing this pathetic indifferent look. I wiped the smile off my face and let my true emotions show. My nervousness was growing with each step closer to reality, the reality of being back. Robyn and I were one of the last groups to meet our family. There was a good amount of people waiting there. My brother Quintin came running up to us before we reached everyone else. I couldn't help but be shocked at this tall, growing handsome boy coming towards me. The instant he hugged me, that smile of genuine happiness returned. I had missed these people! I was almost in tears as I was overwhelmed by the hugs and excitement. I was happy to see them.

Those of you who have yet to experience life in a different culture and have yet to fall in love with it? I am going to let you in on the secret of our hearts. It's hard! I have gained a new respect and admiration for my grandparents because I can't imagine always saying goodbye then hello every year.

I knew there were many things I was going to miss about Africa. There are so many differences in the two cultures, people, and spiritual life. Culturally there are obvious differences. In the US we are so accustomed to the material lifestyle. We live off of comfort. We thrive off of satisfaction. Some examples, when we are hungry we feed ourselves, when we are cold we throw more clothes on, when we are tired we find a comfortable place to sleep, when we want something we find a way to get it. Don't mistake my meaning of this. I believe that we have been blessed to have a continuous success. The African culture is more tradition in their ways. The changes and successes are gradually making its way. Today's generation of youth have had a huge impact on their development. They dont live off comfort, they dont thrive off of satisfaction. They live day by day. When they are hungry they pray, when they are tired they sleep anywhere, when they want something they let their patience and faith take over. Now there are pros and cons to both sides. One is not greater then another, because we all have weaknesses.

Each person is different in their own way. As a whole Americans are different then Africans. Let me share some of my own observations/opinions. As I said before the Africans are more traditional in their ways, such as being conservative. You would think everyone knew everyone and they are all best friends. No matter what they are doing they greet people, and use that time to relate with one another. When they walk into a room they will take the time to greet every single person individually. Here is how the Americans relate (from my perspective). How often do you walk into a house and pass the people you dont know and wait to be introduced? There is a sense of self righteousness in the need to have your name and position announced. I will say I dont believe that is the motive every time. When we go to the store to shop, how do we treat the employees? How do we treat the people around us? Why have we let our impatient affect our attitudes towards people. The determination we have, has potential to be beneficial but so many times we let that determination hinder us. Determination is good, as long as we have patience to help the balance of things. Obviously I am not directing this towards everyone specifically, but as a whole. Something we have is a sense of security and safety. We are able to trust people before we know them. We trust people until proven otherwise. Africans are very opposite. They dont trust until others prove themselves worthy of it. So again there is a good and bad for both.

Now for my favorite part. Our spiritual differences and similarities are there but I am going to speak to both sides as one, because this applies to us all. All over the world Christianity is becoming a religion. Our churches are becoming institutionalized. I can't say I am a Christian, because I dont belong to a church (building). I am born again because I belong to Jesus Christ. When do we stop being afraid of how we look or what others think of us? When does our spiritual freedom come? Does it come when we hit rock bottom? Does it come after trying everything else? Will it come when we have gone to church and listened to a pastor preach at us? Spiritual freedom will come when we completely surrender EVERYTHING to God. The desires of our hearts will be met when we lay that desire down at the feet of Jesus. Gods purpose for us is greater then any other, so why do we hold on to the small things? God has something so much bigger for us, something unimaginable, something unseen, something fathomless. God is a relational God. He wants to talk with us. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to grow. God is a Father that wants the absolute best for His children. How can we think we know whats best for us when God has already laid out the perfect path? Let a new fire burn in you. Let the ears and eyes of your heart and soul be opened to the Holy Spirit. Church is good, but what is church to you? It's not the building, its not just on Sundays, or the days you meet at the building. Church is not going out and doing good. To me, I see church being the body of Christ living with each other, encouraging one another, and loving everyone.

I mean no offense to anyone, but this is what my heart is saying to me, and I am open to any other words you have to share. When we are open to what others have to say, then we have an opportunity to grow, and who wouldn't want that?

Before we came back, I had done my best in equipping myself for the return trip. I never knew how difficult it would actually be. When we experience something for the first time we can only imagine what it will be like, and that estimate is almost always short of the truth. I am definitely not saying its the worst experience ever. I will explain all sides of this, but right now I am sharing the uglier side of things. The beauty comes after :).

to be continued... again ;)

Fighting the Tears

Destined to fall down my face...

Right now I sit on a comfortable black leather couch, watching my mother and two sisters watch a show they love. All I can think of is how blessed I am for this moment. I have more then I need. I don't need a couch, a tv, a house, sisters to laugh with, or a mother that loves me. What I need is Jesus Christ, and everything beyond that is undeserving and a major blessing.

I want to share with all of you, what this transition in my life is like. My first transitional moment was when I decided to travel to the other side of the world and live in Africa for a period of time. It was incredibly easy for me to adapt to the culture and lifestyle. Before I went I decided to have no expectations of what it would be like or how I would feel. Growing up, there was a part of me that was always lost. I always felt somewhat out of place, never entirely fitting in with the crowd, or place. Living in Uganda, I found that small part of myself feeling free and easily welcomed. I don't mean to say that life was perfect and total paradise, but I found a part of my spirit that I have been separated from for a long time. There are many circumstances that are hard to live with, and it was difficult at first to be comfortable with the lifestyle and live without the material things we Americans are so accustomed to. However, I loved every moment of it. After a while I even began to find common ground with the cockroaches, I mean they need a home too right? My heart was completely full.

Robyn and I had a challenging task in leaving Africa. When the time came to say our goodbyes, we couldn't hold back the tears of sadness. It was hard to say goodbye to the people who so easily loved us for who we were. They had seen the growth and maturing of our hearts, for they had been part of the influence. Our aunt Sera has been a great encourager to us. She has spent many hours of many days with us just sharing life and opening our hearts with each other. Our uncle Jeff has loved us so deeply and inspired me to grow up in various ways. He is so much apart of us. Now, not to put anyone higher then the other, but I believe that God used members of the Dove Voice Band to do some huge healing in our hearts, to say the least. Since our trip to Western Uganda, they have become our brothers in a serious way. Each one of them have taught me something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. God used them in my life in such a profound way. I have a new openness that I have never experienced.

When Robyn and I were in the air headed for the US, we couldn't help but be sad to leave. It was one of the first times I had seen my sister let herself cry out all that she wanted and needed to cry out. The strange thing was that I could not cry. Right now I can't really describe the feelings I was sorting through at that moment. I had just said goodbye to a place I called home. This is where my life met a turning point, where my redemption began, the place I found my biggest transformation. My heart was sad to say goodbye, but I felt the excitement in returning to my home in the US. The combination of emotions created a slight confusion for me. I knew I was excited to see my family, friends, and be in my home town. I was expectant of how life would be different because I am different. I had pictured the things I would do, places to go, and people to see. I was prepared for only what I knew to be. My grandma said at a youth service "you don't know what you don't know". I now realized that coming back, there was much I did not know and I was wildly unprepared for tests in life I was about to face.

to be continued...

My Sisters

Sometimes life starts moving so fast that I forget to just take a moment to relax and reflect. So now I am doing both at once, I am relaxing and reflecting on my blog. I will try to make these next few blogs close together. I want to share my finishing days in Africa with you.

Robyn and I picked the 20th of July to be our return date purposefully, so that we could spend our last 2 weeks with Hannah Smith, Sarah Knight, and Rosanna Primer. What we didn't know was that it was God's idea put in our minds for that date change. Robyn and I have known Hannah and Sarah since we were little chubby things. We were excited to meet Rose because we had heard lots of good things about her. My sister and I have changed so much and we were excited for the girls to get to know us for who we really are. I have to admit I was slightly apprehensive due to the dramatic events that took place about 1 year ago with Hannah and Sarah specifically. I prayed that God would give me the right words and open their minds and hearts to see the different person He made me to be. I was nervous for days that there would be tension, annoyances, or any other kind of feeling that could damage the potential great friendship available to us by God. Fortunately my prayers were answered. Some days before we picked them from the airport, I felt my own excitement and happiness to have them. My mind was slightly aware of the fact that Rose was coming, someone I had never met, and it made me a little anxious. Soon I realized that, not one of them knew me and I didn't know them. It was like I was meeting all of them for the first time. When they arrived at the airport I couldn't help but run to them. I hugged Sarah (and she is one of the BEST huggers by the way), then I hugged Rose. Later Rose told me that it had surprised her and she appreciated it. I realized that I kind of surprised myself by doing that too. I'm use to hugging people when I first meet them, but I what surprised me was how happy I was to be see her.

Instantly we were all friends and felt connected in some strange way. Many people had commented about our unity and how they saw us as a team. when we started to spend some quality time with each other we realized just how much we didn't know, and how much we needed each other. I was constantly encouraged by these girls. they became my dear sisters in such a short time. God was purposeful in hand-picking each one of us to be on the other side of the world at that specific time in each of our lives. Our time with each other was precious and vital to the growth as a team and individually. I felt drawn to these ladies and I couldn't figure out why. As time went by I understood what God was doing. He was giving each of us a safe place. A place of refuge, comfort, trust, and encouragement. I trust each one of those girls with anything and everything. I believe that God's purpose was for us to find a place of peace with each other, and someone we could always turn to in any time of need. We are sisters. There were some laughing, crying, healing, and growing. We are learning and teaching. We are loving and being loved.

Robyn and I felt so blessed to have these girls come and see the way we changed, who we were and how we lived in our home in Uganda. We felt so filled with excitement to introduce them to the people who were apart of the change and growth in our spiritual and personal maturing lives. I know you have heard of the Dove Voice Band, but I would like to introduce them as our brothers and I will soon tell you just how much they mean to us and what they have done for us. But for now I would like to tell my sisters Hannah, Sarah, and Rose .... you girls are so precious in the eyes of God, and you mean so much to me, I don't think you will ever know just how much! You have encouraged me, cared for me, and loved me. I don't know how to thank you in a way that shows the depth of my gratitude for you ladies. May God bless the rest of your journey in Africa, and bless the rest of your journey on this earth. I love you :D

Allowing Rejection

Only to be Accepted.

The moment I first noticed a change within me, was when I didn't react. I stopped reacting to the things that bothered me. Over these past few weeks I have been challenged by my old habits, such as arguing with my sister, picking fights with family members, and in general, speaking without thinking. Because of what I am choosing to believe and how I choose to live, I have to deal with the rejection that comes from society, friends, and even family. Over these past six weeks, I have discovered a new me. I am more free then I have ever been, and I am still learning. I find myself marveling over all that I have been experiencing, and how God has used them to give me perspective and to strengthen me. I no longer fight away the feelings and emotions that, for so long, have been forced deep into the unopened box of my heart. Slowly by slowly God is opening my soul and healing my hearts wounds.

When we returned from our 12 day trip to Mbarara and Kamwange, I wasn't fully aware of how much I had grown up. When I had a chance to reflect over all that had happened I could not pick, out, and name the differences in myself. People can tell you all the time "wow your so different", or "you have really changed", but all that doesn't make sense until you can feel it on your own. I noticed the transformation in me first when I started talking to my mom differently. When she started talking about God, prayer, or gave me verses to look up in the bible, I wasn't ignoring her. I use to laugh at her on the inside, or roll my eyes, or my selective hearing would kick in and I was deaf to all "religious" references. Although that seems to be a very common thing when a parent talks to a their kids in general. There came a time when I was actually anticipating her encouragement and thankful for her prayers.

The next encounter of realization came when I told Momm and Papa, that I wanted to have people pray for me. Now before I go on, I would like to explain to you how I felt about prayer. I found prayer a sort of mantra like any other religion, not to mention completely difficult. I don't think I have ever asked someone to pray for me, especially when it was about something specific. How I saw it, was that if I ever asked someone to pray for me, it was my confession as a failure. What I understand now, is that it is a confession as a failure but not in a bad way. To ask for prayer is admitting we can't do everything or anything on our own. I discovered the fine line of purpose for asking someone to pray for me. I wasn't asking them, so that I didn't have to pray on my own and God would help me through their prayers. How faithless is that? Actually someone very close to me told me once, that if I dont mean it or have faith in God's power and ability, then the prayers of others will be a waste of time. I began finding out how deep my beliefs went and how twisted my faith was. When I took that step of admitting that I couldn't do it on my own, relief overwhelmed me and the sense of humiliation was welcomed. After that moment I was gradually noticing the change everyone was seeing in me. I felt comfortable praying for someone or for something as simple as dinner.

Finally, I find myself loving every moment, and every person, and loving every opportunity and gift God shares with me. I stopped judging others, and started judging myself. Honesty has become such a big thing to me lately because I find no reason to lie. Forgiveness is something I have learned to have for others and even myself. So many of my prayers are being answered, because I feel strong and confident in who I am in Christ. I have faith that whatever comes at me wont kill me, because I have been dead once and I have been revived. I'm being brainwashed? How can I be brainwashed when it wasn't people who encouraged this change in me? The change in me has occurred because I tried everything else, and failed. I was dead on the inside, and I was chosen by Christ to be brought back to life. God know's all things and His purpose for me is higher than those of the people surrounding me.

When you look at me I pray you look past the things I did, past the words I spoke, past the life I lived, and see that none of that is who I was, none of that is who I will be, and none of it is who I am. I am happy, so be happy with me.

I'm Back

Unfortunately I have been lazy in my blogging and keeping you updated on everything. So i deeply apologize for that. In my last post I had said I believe that God had a purpose for us being here and having our trip extended. So I am going to take the next few days that we have of rest to post a couple updates on the last month or so to share with you what exactly God has done in our lives. This one is going to be about our trip to Western Uganda one month ago.

Papa was spending the day with the van in the metal fabrication district, while they fixed a roof rack, and the seats for the van. Momm, Robyn and I were waiting to see the finished van, but of course we are in Africa so it took longer then expected. Momm had gone down to the work area full of men and came back with some sort of depressing news. She told us that they had put 4 rows of seats in the van but it was very jammed and possibly too tight for such a long trip. Our discussion led in the direction of the three of us not being able to attend with the men on this adventure. Both Robyn and I have verbalized how badly we wanted to go and neither of us were going to so easily give up. I reminded them that these people travel very tightly all the time, so why be comfortable now? Of course that was a selfish thought but then I went on to say that I think we all need to go and we are not willing to say no. We weighed our options and just decided to leave it up to Papa, the decision maker. When Papa returned home and Momm shared with him her thought about us girls remaining, he almost immediately said "of course not" and reassured us that we must go. He actually said something similar to my own words about them traveling squeezed. I smiled and thought to myself how great minds think alike. The distance to Mbarara was long, although with three girls 12 boys we did nothing but laugh and get to know each other and some sleeping here and there. Five days in Mbarara with Solomon and Lilian Carter, gave us a huge opportunity to grow as a family. Solomon laid down the rules of the house including prayer at the end of every day, then prayer and worship at 6am every morning no matter how late our days went. He was stubborn and it was good for us. Our first place of ministry was at a medical school and it was fantastic. The Dove Voice Band was phenomenal as they shared their music and worship to God. Our uncle Jeff Kasigwa was a great leader in worship. It had been a long time since I last listened to Papa preach, and I admired his preaching that night. I love watching him let God use him. He wouldn't be so cool if he wasn't a son of God.Papa was real and enthusiastic and totally comfortable sharing the truth of God with the people of the school. As each day went by, our development in ministry continued, but our development as a family was unstoppable. I loved spending time with Solomon and watching him relate with everyone. He took some special time to talk to Robyn and I which showed how much he cared for us, and it really touched our hearts. We were instantly apart of his family and accepted into their hearts and they love us as their own. When we traveled to Kamwange, we were already a different group, changed people, we were a family having a good time and sharing the love of God. Kamwange was a great time for us to learn rather then teach. Papa taught the boys about responsibility, the guys taught Robyn and I about being open and trusting. We all learned something valuable. It was purposeful of God to put us all together at that time, with those people, doing what we did. Each day we grew closer to each other, learning more, and giving more. I learned so much about the Holy Spirit and about myself. My uncle Jeff taught me so much that I could write a whole other post about it. I love Jeff so much. After traveling for 12 days, Robyn and I came home completely unaware of the major change that took place until we were challenged weeks later.

to be continued ;)

Peace In Me

Every day in Uganda I am growing closer with these people. My heart is becoming bigger by the second. I have to say I am dreading the day that we leave because I know that it's going to be the end of a life changing trip, although I know it wont be the end of change in my life. I have loved every single moment being here. I completely forgot to inform you that my ticket has been changed and Robyn and I are now here until July 20th. God has provided, and I believe that He has a purpose for keeping us here for this time in our lives. My mind has been working constantly and it's sometimes hard to remember that I need a moment alone with God. I use to think of life very differently then I do today. I know that God has plans for my future and I am willing to do whatever He ask's of me. I have so many plans and idea's for my future, but I only have so much control over what really takes place. God has blessed me with so much, and it is very special to me because I know I dont deserve all that He has given me. Robyn and I recently spent a night at Sera's with her boys. We have had so many great memories here, but I have to admit that so far, that time we spent with those boys has been my absolute favorite. Every single one of those boys has touched my heart so seriously, they will never know what it has meant to me. They kept us up until 6am just chatting, dancing, teasing, playing games and just spending time together. For those of you who dont know, my dearest aunt Sera has taken in 20 boys from the street. They range from ages 4 to 17, and they are the most loving boys you will ever know. Sera is such an amazing mother to them and she has inspired me beyond all comparison. How many people would have the patience and heart to live in a house and care for 20 young growing boys? I ask you all to pray that God will provide all the needs that this kind of work requires.

My sister and I are having the experience of a lifetime. When we were young girls we wanted to spend every day with our grandparents. When I was 9 years old and Robyn was 8, we use to spend the night at Momm & Papa's almost every Sunday night. Monday morning one of us would go to school with Papa (when he was a teacher) and the other would spend the day with Momm playing with her hair and helping around the house. Our grandparents have been so important to us growing up. It amazes me that the four of us get to grow with each other. We are learning so much about one another and about our Father. As a young girl I have always wanted to be like my Papa. I have always watched the way he did things, and how he loved people so much. Papa was so good with us kids. He always knows how to make us laugh, and he said yes to EVERYTHING. When Momm would teach me about protecting my heart and tell me how important and special I was, I knew that one day I would do the same thing with my children and grandkids and she was showing me the perfect way to do that. When we were little girls Momm would have little tea

parties with us, then let us play with her hair, and once in a while she would let us do her make up (when she didn't plan on seeing anyone that day). I started to grow up and live a wild life and I became careless with the things I was doing. I have always been afraid to tell my Momm & Papa who I was, because I didn't want to disappoint them ... they were my hero's. I didn't want them to know I was a failure. God has done so much in me and i know He loves me no matter what my past is. Today they both know everything about my life that I swore I would never tell them. They love me no matter what my past is. So many breaks and tares in my heart have been mended and healed.

Dear Momm & Papa,

thank you for loving me. Thank you for being the best you can be. God has blessed me and taught me many things through you. You are so special to me. We are in the right place at the right time with the right people. This was God's plan. I am encouraged by you both every day whether you know it or not. I love you SO SO SO much it makes me cry, because I know you love me the same. I hope one day you will see how much it means to me.

God is a forgiving God. He has saved my life. He has protected me. He has taken my burdens. He has accepted me with o

pen arms. He reminds me every day that I am loved and He reminds me every day to share that love.

I Love You!

By: Robyn Ann

With the help of my sister, I am going to try to explain my walk with God. I went through a variety of lifestyles to get to where I am now. As young kids, we grew up as a Christian family. The beliefs of our family slowly evolved to a somewhat New-Age philosophy. I felt comfortable changing my beliefs because the relationships I had with people were more important to me then my relationship with God. It was easy to give up on the Christian religion because I had never experienced a real encounter with God. As time went on and I got deeper in the beliefs of the New-Age Philosophy I started to feel like I didn't have any drive or motivation. I didn't talk to anyone about all the real things that were going on inside of me because I believed that I had to deal with everything on my own. I didn't talk to close friends or even family about the serious things that were taking place, and a lot of times I didn't even acknowledge that there was a battle going on in me. I denied a lot of feelings and thoughts I had so that I would feel good, and eventually it got to the point where I didn't even notice the battle or the fact that I wasn't truly happy. After my parents separated my life changed and I felt like my eyes were opened up to what was actually going on in me. For a while I tried not to let my life change because the relationships I had were too important, and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Then I began to feel like I didn't know what to do, I wanted to keep my relationships and I wanted everyone to be happy with me. I felt stuck so I just continued being quiet about everything and tried to figure it our for myself; which I didn't really do on purpose, it was more of a subconscious thing. All along there were people who tried to help me and encourage me. I didn't feel like I needed it because I was "happy" and everything was fine. Since then things have changed for me. Coming to Uganda wasn't planned to be a trip that would change me and make me different... but it has. Blair and I both felt like this was just going to be a trip with our grandparents. We knew it would be fun and we were excited, but didn't really think it would be anything super special. I love Uganda and my love grows stronger each day, but the love I feel for Uganda didn't hit me all at once. I love the people, the experiences, and the love for Jesus that I get to see in people all the time. I think that is why I love it so much, spending time with the people and seeing Jesus in them ... it really encourages me to find God and to seek him first. I feel like since being here I have actually begun to find him, I feel a different kind of peace and happiness in me that I never felt or even knew before. The love I have right now is not as much with the location as it is with God. I am happy to be here and I love experiencing all of this trip with my sister and best friend Blair. My walk with God grows stronger, better, and bigger each new day. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with God, it is different and better than before. He is better than I could ever imagine! This trip has been life changing for me, and I am happy to say that it is not over. I hope that I will only grow closer to God, that is what I am focusing on. God is my healer and provider. Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety."

Who Am I?

I regularly hear Papa say, "it's not what you do [that defines you], but it's who you are". After hearing him say this to multiple people, I took a second and found myself asking the question 'who am i?'. We often ask the question 'what did I do?', or we glorify ourselves by saying 'I did that'. Instead of humbling ourselves, and keeping quiet before God, we praise ourselves and shout so that everyone can hear the great things we have done or, are doing. It's good for me to be ashamed of myself for not glorifying God and praising Him for the great things He has done through me, and taking the credit as my own. Why does is matter what we do? If God doesn't look at the great things we accomplish, then who's acceptance are we looking for? We aren't perfect beings, and we have lots and lots of room to grow. Christ loves watching His children grow. Slowly by slowly I am finding out who I am. When I came to Uganda, it wasn't to see what I could do for this country. Being here I have found a part of myself. This is who I am, I am a teacher and a learner, I am a daughter and a sister, I am a failure and an achiever, I am caring and judging, and I am a follower if Jesus Christ. God has blessed me with a heart of love for people. Today I picked up little Moses and squeezed him and I almost cried because of how much love I felt for the little guy. I have always been an affectionate person and it is my way of showing love. We all need to know that we are loved. God's love for us is forever, undying, unfailing, inexplainable, undeniable, and for eternity. No one can love like our Father. Can you love the one who steals from you, would you love the one who speaks ill of you, will you love the one who betrays you, do you love the one who looks you in the eyes and says "we will kill you!"? Through all the choices I made, places I went, things I said, Jesus loves me still. Who am I? I have been in the deeps of this world, I have seen and felt the raw creation of men, yet that is not who I am. I have succeeded many goals and accomplished high expectations, still that is not who I am. I am who God has made me to be, and I am still on my way to reaching all that He has for me. I am born again. I am living life, and Christ lives through me. I am His follower and He is my leader. Growing up I was afraid to find out who I was, because I knew I fell short of the expectations of this world by who a Christian "should be". Eventually I gave up on trying to be accepted, and in the end I gave up on trying to mold myself to the religious rules of Christianity. By giving up on all this, I didn't realize that my faith in God had disappeared. I lived a wild life of foolishness and excitement (according to humanity). Today I thank God for saving my life, and protecting me from falling off the edge and from suffering some major consequences of the life I was living. I was reckless and naive. Even though I did all those things and led that kind of life that is frowned upon, that does not define who I am today. I will never forget the choices I made, but I will always remember that God was with me loving and protecting me. I am His forever. My faith in Christ is stronger then I could ever imagine. I sometimes laugh because I find myself talking to God rather then praying and asking Him to do something for me, and I realize how much I enjoy a relationship with Him and I know He loves it even more. What this all comes down to, is that I dont fear my past, I dont fear my future, I know who I am and I am happy. Everything falls into place perfectly when we decide to let God lead our life. He is the driver and I am just along for the ride. I completely love that God wants to live through me. He lets me make decisions on my own, and when I choose Him, life couldn't be more perfect. so ... who are you? :D

Just so you know, I love you all SO much!!

Here It Is

The end of my stay here in Uganda gets closer and closer. Robyn and I had planned on changing our tickets to a farther date, because as soon as we arrived we loved this place. I cant describe the feeling to you, but I'll try. Uganda immediately held a piece of my heart. No one can tell a story without a little bit of background, so here I go. For those of you who dont know, my parents are no longer together and are "officially" ending their marriage. This started only one year ago. My dad is different and so is my mom. I wont say it was mutual but I wont go into detail because this is only a little bit of background :). Since my parents split, along with other challenges in my life, my faith in God diminished. My relationships were failing and I was losing myself. I use to believe that God had failed me as my savior, but I came to the conclusion that I had failed Him as His believer. My life was a struggle and I was hitting the end of my patience. When my sister and I made the decision that this was the year to come to Africa, I wasn't aware that God was the one to give me that feeling. We had to pick a return date when we got our tickets. I picked May 14th, because I believed that it was "just a trip" and sort of a vacation from the stressful life I was leading, so I thought 2 months was plenty of time. To be honest I was sure that I would end up changing my ticket to come home earlier. My mom repeatedly told us she wouldn't be surprised if we decided to stay the whole six months that my grandparents are staying, and my constant reply was "that will never happen". I am shocked by how wrong I was, because usually I am always right ha. I don't believe that Uganda changed me, i dont believe that my grandparents changed me. I know that when I first walked into the airport in Uganda, I felt a change in my heart and soul, because at that moment I decided to let God take care of me while being here and for Him to give me direction and do something in my life. Since that moment God has filled my heart slowly by slowly. So much inside of me has grown up and my perception on life has changed for the better. There was a time when Jesus Christ was my hero and my closest friend who understood me more than any other, and those days were the happiest of my life. When my dads beliefs started to shift into something different I did what any good kid would do, I followed my dads opinions and ignored my own conscience and resistances. Over time I became stuck in my ways and I was confident in my beliefs. I have to admit, it was the loneliest period of my life. I was surrounded by people who loved me and I loved in return, and we had tons of happy times, but on the inside I was alone and hurting. Recently I told my dad to imagine the relief I feel when I say i am happy and it actually be 100% true to my heart. Jinja is my new found home. Under various circumstances I have been forced to let go of preconceived ideas and expectations, and let my faith take lead and trust that everything would be okay. God chose for me to come here. I am His again. Since I was a young girl I use to imagine going to Africa and spending time with other kids. I always believed that one day I would be able to go. There couldn't be a better time for me to be here. I didn't come to make a change in Uganda, I came for a change in myself. Of course I miss my family and my friends, but i can deal with missing those people because something bigger is happening in my life and relationship with God. I am not quite ready to be going home, because God has something for me here and I know He will reveal His plans for me sometime. So I am in the process of changing my ticket to return home later in the summer. Right now I pray that God provides the finances that the change requires. I ask you all to pray with me.

I have been learning about more then I imagined I could. My faith in Christ has never been stronger or more real. Life will never be the same for me. Sometimes I wonder why God let me fall, but then I think, because I fell so hard, I am stronger for choosing to stand back up. The simplicity of Uganda has fascinated me, and I am in the midst of it all. There was a short adjusting period and then it became my life. God has many plans for me, and I am ready for whatever He lays on my path. Many want me to come home, but what they don't know, is that I am already home. I will be grateful for the time that i go back to the U.S and spend time with my family and share life with my friends, but truth is my heart will always be here, all the way in Africa. If it's Gods desire for me to go back in May, then I will trust Him and be obedient, but if God has more in store for me here, then I will have faith that He will provide.

One Month Down ... More To Go.

So we have been here exactly one month. I can't say it has gone by fast, i feel like we have been here for much longer. I believe, that because we have developed some incredible relationships that take years to build, its hard to imagine that we have only been here for such a short time. Right now Robyn and i are slightly undecided about when we will be coming home, so if you feel like praying, pray that God will give us direction and confirmation for what we shall do. Our time here has been filled with special memories. When I was a little girl I use to imagine that I was in Africa playing with the kids, playing with wild animals, going to a hospital and telling stories. As a small kid I imagined that one day I would be in Africa, and today I am. Goes to show that nothing is impossible through the works of God. I have to give God credit, because once i started to trust in him, my dream was manifested and became my reality. This place has become a home to me. Leaving here will be difficult, but im not thinking of that now. The last couple days Robyn and I have been busy building desks with Papa,and taking care of Momm. You should all keep her in thought and prayers, because she is starting to look like an old lady. Don't take that the wrong way, she looks beautiful as always, but her back is treating her poorly and she cant stand straight. I am doing my best to rub her back and help as much as possible without making it worse. We have much to do in the days to come. My little sister Hunter, announced on facebook that she now has a boyfriend, congrats to young love :). My little brother Quintin is becoming very talented on the bike, and he is possibly in need of braces, good luck kid. The last one would be Ricky, I want to wright a little bit about my brother. I miss him SO much. Some time ago, you would think we hated each other, and its true sometimes we did, and even verbalized those feelings to each other. I have wondered if thats common for a brother and sister. In just one year he has become a man and one of my best friends in my life. I love him more then any guy, with the exception of Quint and dad. I know that i haven't told him this as much as I should, but that's going to change. I am crying as i write this because it's so true to my heart and i mean it more then you can imagine. Sometimes i laugh because i remember the times he and i would fight till we were so annoyed/angry that one of us (usually me) would walk away, resulting in a jog around the block. I think of one time when I was SO mad at him that I wanted to hit him with something, so i picked up the closest object to me and hit him over the head with it, don't worry it was only a pizza box. I stormed outside because i was more angry about the fact that it was a pizza box and something they were probably laughing at. Not long after that i was laughing with them. I have to say my brother and I were the fighters in our family and neither of us were good at being the first to quit. Both of us have grown so much, and I can't even express how important he is to me in my life. I can't imagine my life without him, or any of my siblings. They are the people in my life that I will always do my absolute best to show how much I love and care for them. God has blessed me with loving parents, and the best and most fun brothers and sisters. Even though we go our separate ways, and even though we are a separated family, these people are still my family and my life long friends. I thank God for helping Ricky and I become so much closer, and not letting our differences permanently damage our relationship. I have been able to truly love all people through Gods grace. Relationships are good, family is good, love is good, and God is the creator and epitome of all good things. Please be blessed :D

Love to you. Blair Olivia.

God is reminding me who He is. Through all the ups and downs in my life, there was a time when I let go of God and became my own person without relationship. I see now that without God, it's impossible to get the full taste of a relationship, all the juice, and without God those relationships don't have much truth or love. I like to feel in control of my life and my surroundings. Theres a part of me that believes that that's a result of my past experiences, but I know I am just that way a little bit because of fear. When i think about giving up all that i have and decision making up to God, a part of me starts to panic, because I am afraid. Fear in itself is dangerous territory. I use to be afraid that by giving everything to God and letting go of that controlling part of myself, would result in the loss of very important relationships in my life. Eventually, God let me realize that without him those relationships wouldn't last too long. I stopped being afraid because i knew that no matter what God would take care of me. I stopped depending on my relationships to survive, and started, and still am becoming friends with Jesus and depending on Him. I'm not afraid of the unknown. Actually the only thing that makes me afraid currently is car accidents, slightly, and bugs of many kinds. I completely despise jumping spiders. Anyways, God is showing me knew things in my life that i never thought of. I'm a new person but still me. I love watching my grandparents be best friends, and love each other more and more each new day. I see God in them as they love Robyn and I as well. Lately I see God everywhere. I feel Him in everything and everywhere. My happiness and love are beyond anything I have ever experienced. I truly do love everyone. I absolutely love sharing an experience such as this with my sister, whom i would call my best friend, even if we have our little disagreements here and there :) I know God has blessed me. Even after everything i have seen and done in my life, somehow i have been able to come out of it and believe that God is still here and I can still love people. That amazes me.

Be Blessed :D

Blair Olivia.

Life Is Not A Right

Every day i fall more in step with the African lifestyle, and i am loving it. Although there are some things i miss about home and sometimes they and out more then others for example, road rules. Here in Uganda the driving is the one thing that has my nerves running, and my awareness on alert. It's one thing to mentally prepare yourself, or trying to shift you thinking that its something different for something you have never before experienced personally, its another thing to be in the midst of something you thought you prepared yourself for and be slapped in the face by reality. The roads are sometimes narrow and without sidewalks, covered by pedestrians and bicyclists carrying wide loads of anything from huge bags of coal to bags stuffed with some type of food to sheets of metal. The morning of Sunday the 27th, Momm and Papa, Robyn and I got ourselves ready for a day we hadn't prepared for. We were leaving Jinja for Kampala at 10am to be apart of the Dove Voice Band concert launching their new cd/dvd. The trip usually takes 2 to 2 and a half hours. That morning Momm had mentioned being nervous and not knowing why, also my stomach was not in the best mood either. Our driver is a friend to my talkative uncle Raoul. Papa started our trip out by reminding the driver, Joshua is his name, that we were not late and not in a hurry so don't drive fast. Many drivers here feel the need to pass every car moving in front of them not matter how slow or fast they are going. There are MANY close calls that i cant even begin to tell you. Just as we were on the bridge over the Nile, at the edge of town, a car started passing everyone which is definitely illegal on a bridge, everyone knows that. At the end of the bridge a bicyclist was getting on and the passer hit the bike knocking the man over the handle bars, but the man kept driving and kept passing. After that my eyes were wide open looking at every possible wreck happening right in front of us or to us, but nothing happened. When we first got into Kampala there was a boda (transportation on a motorcycle) on its side in a lane with that man still under it trying slowly to get himself steady and stand up. No one stopped and no one was there. This was my first experience so far seeing any wrecks. We came to a large round-about and Joshua started to turn left then Raoul instructed him to keep going around to the next turn, but he was a second too late, there was a man on his bike riding right next to us, only inches away from the car and just before the front tire he was knocked to the ground and we felt the van driving over something and all of us cringed at the thought that we had just drove over this man. We pulled over in the round-about. My thoughts were repeating themselves and hearing the crunching sound of whatever we drove over and the large bump he hit, and thought DEAR GOD DON'T LET THIS MAN BE DEAD! many of us felt sick to our stomachs. Come to find out we only drove over the front of the bike and the guy was somewhat fine. Instantly there was a large crowd of random people claiming they saw it but didnt say more then just that they saw it, causing unnecessary drama, and policemen already there and not doing anything about the crowd. Momm, Robyn, Raoul's sisters, and I sat in the van just waiting for about an hour. This all happened roughly at 12pm and the concert was set to start at 2pm. For a long time nothing was really happening except some arguing and some annoying bystanders yelling. Without any of us girls knowing what was going on we watched as the police truck put the biker in the back along with Joshua our driver, followed by Raoul on a boda. We were left without our driver and without our navigator. To add to our confusion a tow truck pulled right in front of us and hitched the van to the back of his truck without telling any of us to get out or telling us he was going to in the first place. Papa ended up having to pay 10,000 shillings ($5) to have him remove it. We found someone to drive us to the police station where we would be meeting the other guys as they made statements. We waited for almost 3 hours waiting in the hot van. Raoul and Joshua came from the hospital reporting that he had not broke anything and he would be just fine. We felt relieved but also ready for the whole ordeal to be over with. We ended getting at the concert a little after 4 and we were slightly surprised that the concert only just started, but also not surprised because that seems to be common. We had such an amazing time listening to these talented guys do what they do best, and not to mention they can dance like crazy, its quite the show. Momm and Papa even danced for the everyone. Later they dragged Momm, Robyn and I onto the stage to dance with them. I tell you, I hate that they do that because i start to panic, but once your up there its so fun! So we had a great time and even forgot about the earlier part of the day, until we were on the road again at 8pm. Both Papa and i were not feeling out best, he had a head ache and i felt like any swift movement and i was going to hurl whatever was in my body. But we arrived home safe and sound and ready for bed, after some reheating of leftover spaghetti. I have been feeling so grateful and blessed for grandparents who love us and take amazing care for us, and are also becoming some wonderful friends and close to heart. I am consistently being grateful for the life i live and the family i have and i am reminded that God is good ... simple as that :)

Week Two

So much is happening so fast i cant even process it let alone write it all down. I apologize for it taking so long to write another update. Recently the Oklahoma team left and so now things have calmed down a bit. We are cleaning the house, doing laundry, and fully settling into everyday life. relationships have grown so strongly so quickly it would be impossible to forget or lose. ill give and update of recent events. This last weekend was the busiest I have yet experienced. Friday night the Dove Voice Band came for dinner which is a group of about 20 guys who are refugees from the Congo. We had such a fun night. The shared their music and love with us. After a long night of intense praying and worship we sent them off into the night. The next morning they came for breakfast and we spent some good quality time with them. We worshiped some more and heard a word from their group paster Boris. After the boys left, the team, Robyn and I went on a boat ride the the source of the Nile. Beauty and diversity surrounded us. That night was somewhat relaxed and we spent the time with each other going over what we have seen and experienced. Just as dinner was served Momm arrived from shopping in Kampala with a girl named Maureen. Now, a while back I got a newsletter from Papa about this lady. Maureen worked at a shoe shop, and one day she found a baby boy in the alleyway abandoned. The boy was deathly ill. She took him to many doctors and found that he had TB. Here they say if you have TB then most likely you have HIV. Luckily this little one did not have HIV. Maureen took him everywhere to revive this child from sickness but all doctors would turn her down and tell her "this boy is going to die". She didnt give up and with that little faith she found a doctor to treat him. The doctor told her the boy was just starved and needed nourishment and give him to weeks to make him better. During those two weeks Maureen went on a search for the mother who left her son to die. After some time and with luck she found her in the village of Musese (muh-se-see). The thing about this village is that it is the poorest of poor in Jinja area. The women work little and bring home the food. The men sleep and drink and chat all day. The children make the beer for the men. She brought the boy whose name is Michael, back to his mother and the was so grateful to Maureen. The mother had left her son because she knew he would die and did not want to witness it. Maureen regularly goes to Musese and brings food or clothes or medicine, whatever she can to Michael and the people. Saturday night she told us her story and that she was going up there on Sunday and we were invited. The team came with medications and antibiotics that they gave to Maureen to give to this village. Sunday was or most fun filled day ever (slight sarcasm). We arrived at David and Sarah's church in Bugembe (boo-gem-bee) at 10:30. When we got into the van to leave church it was 2 o'clock. I will never complain about a long church service again! Mind you it was quite a blast to be there and see what a village church is like. When we got home about one hour later Maureen arrived and we went with her to Musese. For the past couple days i had been feeling sick and not really up for going out and doing much. When we got there my body went into an internal panic. The children come running up and hang on you, pull you to the ground, stick their hands in your pockets, rub your hands on their faces. I love kids and i was happy to see them, but the feeling of death and pain easily found its way into me. Instantly I wanted to leave and not go back. I felt my body hit a state of breaking into pieces by all forces that were pulling me. An old lady who was small and could be mistaken for a kid was going around and hugging everyone saying something to them in her own language. As soon as she latched onto Robyn, I saw her start pushing her off but trying to be somewhat polite. I watched as the old lady headed for me and i felt my mind start to blur. she was blind in one eye and walked crooked. She wrapped her arms around my stomach and bowing her head to my waist. i had no reaction strangely, i mean i didn't even hug her back. She back away but not far, and in my peripheral vision i saw her hands going for my pockets while she was still smiling and talking to my face, and when i saw that unconsciously I slapped her hand away and grabbed her shoulders and moved her back from me. She looked at me and started laughing nervously and then went to the next person. All this time tons of kids are all over me. I stood there for a second trying to think about why i did that, and how i did it without even thinking about it. I thought about what was in my pockets and reminded myself that nothing was in there. I stuck my hand in the pocket she was reaching for, which was one down by my knee, and i was reminded that i put my ipod in that pocket and i found it still there. I thought about how could she ever know it was there? or see it because she was partially blind and she was looking at my face? As we kept walking up the hill through all these small pathways by peoples mud homes you notice that your walking on their toilets, stepping on all kinds of messy things that would make a person like me mentally throw up and start gagging but i felt like i wasn't even conscious of what I was thinking or feeling. We stopped where Maureen went to look for Michael. There was a little baby boy probably only 1yr if that, who was laying on the ground and people crowding around him because he was sick and had an injury on his head or neck, im not sure. There was an older lady sitting in the doorway of the house right next to this little baby. I could feel eyes on me and when i looked at her she looked to be in her 50's maybe. I noticed she was starring at me and for some reason i couldn't look away, not that it was impossible but i didn't want to. I smiled at her and she smiled at me so i decided to walk over where she was, as hard as it was with all the kids i went over to her and held her hand for a short second then got on my knees and hugged her. I felt a wave of emotion wash over me and it felt like it was coming from her. Once i hugged her i felt her body relax and she hugged so tight. I was so content there with her. When i pulled away she looked to be on the edge of crying. Neither one of us said anything. I held her hand as long as I could before the kids ere begging for my attention. When i got up to leave I smiled at her and she was grinning right back. It seemed like gradually there were tons of kids showing up the more time we stayed there. My panic was back in motion and when I looked back at the doorway the woman was gone and I thought as many happy thoughts and prayers as I could for her. On our way down the hill i could feel myself wanting to run into the van but i tried staying as calm as possible. So many dirty hands were touching me and i started to feel extreme amounts more sick then before. When we got to the bottom and waited for the van to turn around i noticed the one girl who stayed by my side the whole time (at least i think it was a girl) and she grabbed my hand and held it so tight and surprisingly she said "me come" like 3 times. I ended up having to pull her hand of mine, strong little kid. I thought she was going to cry, and when we started to drive away she did, and they were all sticking their hands in the windows and shaking our hands. It was SO strange how much i needed to leave that place but a part of me wanted to stay or at least bring some people with me. When we were away i felt my mind and body completely relax and I didn't feel sick anymore. That night we went out for dinner at 2 Friends and it was good to relax and eat and laugh with the team, Robyn, and Momm and Papa, and Peter our other teammate/driver/language teacher. The next couple days we all worked hard on our project of cleaning the house, painting the school in Bukeeka, and building desks. Wednesday the girls went to the childrens hospital. Then we went to a baby cottage orphanage. The team left Thursday night and we had a wonderful time with them :D The past few days we have been taking things slow and cleaning the house. I feel blessed to be where I am, even though sometimes I struggle with some things. Right now I am missing my siblings Ricky, Quint, and Hunter LOTS and obviously I miss mommy and daddy ha. I have never been good at being gone from those people for long periods of time. Truth is being here with Momm and Papa has been AMAZING and they have made it much easier to gone from home because they are apart of our home. God has blessed for sure. If at some point you feel like you can i would ask that you pray for it to be a little easier for Robyn and I to be away from at such a time in our lives. Thanks :D

I love you ALL SSOOOOO much you don't even know!

A Story to Tell

I am finding out that we all have a story to tell. Whether its good or bad it is unique in its own special way as we are all very different and unique in our own selves. Since the team from Oklahoma has been here i see them more as a family then just a group from the same town. The past couple nights Papa has invited a guest to come and share their life story and how the became born again. Here in Uganda, there is a difference in being a Christian and being born again. Christians are people who go to church regularly and call themselves religious, and when you are born again then you actually have a personal relationship with God and actually live the life you preach to others. So far we have had some incredible people with incredible pasts that have cultivated their lives and brought them to who they are today. Tonight our cook Grace, shared her story with the girls from the team and one of the guys, the rest were on their way home from Kampala. When she was finished one of the girls suggested that we start sharing our story in return. All 10 team members took their turn in sharing part of their life with us. Some weren't easy and i congratulate them for opening up to all of us. I chose not to share my story, partly because i felt young still and there wasn't much to tell, but also because i feel i have been through too much for my age and i haven't yet resolved it with myself, others, or God. I find that i am in a fight with myself and God. Sometimes i feel like God is right there and i am trusting him and seeing him and believing in him. Other times i feel like this whole God thing is not real and just a creation of our minds. This fight in me has been thrown in my face since being here. I feel like this place brings everything in myself out and i cant ignore it or put it away. Things are changing and i have no idea if i am changing with it or not. If i were to tell my story, most would be disappointed because there is no happy ending to it, or the ending that most would want to hear. Someday i will take the time to tell my story. This morning around 6:30 we had a minor earthquake. When Momm was asking us about it she was describing it and i thought i missed it, but then Robyn and i realized we thought it was the other person shaking the bunk bed restlessly. Tomorrow Robyn, Momm and i will be going with Raoul to a village and see what he does. It has been busy with the team being here, and its good :). Its been a long hard working day for everyone so bed is looking pretty good. Today was a great day, and i know there are many more to come!

Bukeeka

Sunday is the day for praise. We took a van to the village of Bukeeka (said like Boo-kay-ku) for church. The drive was a good amount of time and beautiful but bumpy. When we arrived we were late, but thats the slowness of Africa speaking. everyone takes their time and enjoys every moment. Robert (their paster and man who started the school) seated us at the front to face the crowd. All the children stared at us. The African people are not shy and they always stare because we are white and they like us. Today Derek was our preacher and he was very passionate about it. They all are so free in their passion and love for God. In an american church you don't see the pastor jumping up and down when he preaches or sweat because he is practically yelling the entire sermon. They feel so strongly about their beliefs and they aren't afraid to show it in ways that an american would say is crazy and embarrassing. The kids were so interested in us, and they would stare even when you looked at them. One girl would look down every time i looked at her and i would smile. It was so unusual for me to see a kid be shy and not look at me when i acknowledged her. Later on she stood by me for a long time and would let me put my hand on her shoulder or rub her arm or back. She has the sweetest smile i have ever seen. During the service another little girl who was maybe 2 or 3 im guessing, did not take her eyes off me. After church we were greeted by everyone. There were tons of kids and they made rounds of greetings. i probably shook the same hands 3 times. When they would greet us they would get on their knees as a sign of respect. when they kneeled i would kneel with them because they were so little. Our group decided to walk around the school because it was knew and the were doing renovations. The kids would grab our hands as we walked and they ALL followed. As i started walking i felt a tiny hand slip into mine. I looked down and noticed it was the little girl who was staring at me during the whole sermon. When i looked down at her i smiled and she smiled back at me. It was a tiny smile and not the big grin you usually get. She walked with me the whole time and stayed very close to me. She had stolen my heart so quick and easy. When my sister or another person from our group would come up to her or smile at her she would stand behind my leg. I felt my heart grow, and i felt strange inside. When all the kids were looking at pictures of one of the group members, she looked at them then looked at me and i knew she was asking so we walked together. When the time came to leave i wanted to bring her with me more then anything. i got on my knees to say goodbye and she hugged my neck so tight and i felt tears begin in my throat. I kissed her on the forehead and held her hands for a little bit. She grinned so big i couldn't help but grin with her. When i walked away she looked like she was going to cry. My heart stays with her always. She never talked to me but she didnt have to. I am praying for her constantly because during our walk i found out she was VERY sick. She had a really bad cough, not a cold cough but one that tears your lunges. She was feverish too. I would give everything to be able to take care of that little girl and bring her home with me. We plan on going back there soon so i hope to see her and love her some more.

Week One

When my sister Robyn and I arrived with our grandparents we had no expectations for what we would encounter or see in this land. When we went to the vista station the man there said he would give 100 cows to marry me. Most the time they are joking around but if you give any indication that you would consider they will jump right on it and be all seriousness. There are so many cultural differences and im loving it. Grace (the cook) is a wonderful and funny girl. She is fun to be around. My aunt Sera is most definitely special to me and close at heart. She is a very hard worker. today ill tell you Sera Kasonga's story. When she was a young girl she lived with her aunt and uncle and cousins in Rwanda in the time of destruction. She was only a child when the bad people came in and broke her family. The men tortured her uncle and made him watch as they raped his wife and daughters then killed his wife, then beheaded the uncle. This whole time Sera and her younger cousins are being forced to stay and watch as well. Her older cousins were put into bags and thrown into the waters. one of her cousins had escaped and found little Sera and her little cousins. The few of them walked from Rwanda to Uganda without water or food. Today Sera lives in her own home and has provided a home for 16 boys whom she took off the streets and pulled them from the life of thieving, molestation, disease, and starvation. Sera Kasonga has become a hero of mine. She is the most loving woman i know. She has a heart for people and God. I do apologize for the detailed graphicness, but this is a reality and there is no nice way to say the truth about peoples lives. So many of these people have a story full of darkness and despair. I ask that you keep them all in thought and prayer.