Deeper

Then Deep ......

He began reading from the book, "The Boxcar Children". His pronunciations were perfect. He paused only for a moment then said the word correctly. With an occasional glance he would look to see if he was holding my attention. I was perfectly content to sit there as long as he read. His enthusiasm was hard to ignore. I was actually quite interested in the story of the book. I was so happy that I would sometimes giggle, causing him to turn and frown at me. I was never laughing at his reading but something was happening inside me. All the sudden tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. This 9 year old boy looked at my pathetic attempt to hide my emotions, and smiled in a way that forced my happy tears out. I didn't know what had come over me. To cry over a little boy reading seemed completely ridiculous. Yet there I was happily crying as he continued to read me the story.

.....

Laying there wide awake, with nothing but the light of the moon shining through the window, I could think of nothing to solve my problem. To be honest, I wasn't even sure it was a problem. For some odd reason I didn't feel anything. In comparison to Robyn, I am not as expressive of my emotions as she can be. I know whats going on inside of me and how I am doing, my thoughts usually reveal the cause of my emotions. Something was different, because I wasn't feeling anything and I wasn't thinking about anything. The only thing I could feel was confused and frustrated because my mood wasn't changing. I wasn't sure if I was upset, hurt, content, peaceful, or happy. When I woke that morning, I was discouraged to find that everything was the same, and I was still in this sober and boring mood. Nothing changed throughout the day. My had been filled with things to be happy about, but I remained detached from everything and everyone. Going to bed that night I begged God to help me feel joy, excitement, and love. Again I woke feeling that same emptiness. It was only Momm (Pam) and I for the morning and we decided to go into town for some shopping. My frustration was building and I decided it was time to vent, and Momm was my only listener. It took long enough to get everything out. I struggled to find the words, because there really was no way to explain it right. When I finally finished I waited, anxious to know what advice our input she had. She suggested that maybe God was changing me, and explained that sometimes change is uncomfortable.

Twice that day I was surprised by the overwhelming amount of emotion that took over me at such strange times. I sat by myself just waiting for the tears to stop. Hannah and Robyn sat in front of me waiting for me to say something. All of the sudden it just poured out of me. The truth of my feelings were becoming known to me as I was speaking them. I had never been so full of amazement of God. I was on overload of love for Him and admiration, and it was making me cry. I was curious if this was a result of lack of sleep, or some other reason to cause me to be so emotional. If it was genuine, I was afraid that it wasn't going to last. To my amazement I feel just as deeply as I did that day. There was a drastic change in my heart and I was grateful, for it was an answer to my prayers to be drawn closer to Jesus. I am feeling Him more and more. For so long, sometimes without being aware of it, I never knew Jesus as being a man once living on this earth. I saw Him as being "out there", up in Heaven looking down on us. I didn't know Him as having a personality, and being able to relate to Him. I was discovering the intimacy with Him that I had been missing out on, because of my false assumptions about who God is. I feel Him all the time. I see Him in everything good around me. Now I cry almost every time I talk about Him. My identity is in Him. He lives is me. I cant even begin to describe the excitement and honor that gives me. Things change when nothing else matters. If Jesus walked up to me and said "follow me", I would leave everything, no matter what it was, and follow Him.That is what He has said to me. I am not afraid of losing the things and relationships I have. I trust Him with everything I have, and everything I need. He found me and brought me to life, so I must follow Him. To me there is no greater purpose then that. I will spend the rest of my life doing His will and glorifying Him. His love has no ends, no limitations, and no requirements. His love is forever, unconditional, and for everyone. He is always with me, always loving me. He is always with you, always loving you. I'm done putting God into a box, and limiting Him and His power by my own human imaginations. I have no expectations of The Creator of the earth. It is the most freeing thing to give up my pride, control, and doubt. God is so good, and I am so in love.

Be blessed my friends ... your in my prayers.

~ Blair Olivia