Allowing Rejection

Only to be Accepted.

The moment I first noticed a change within me, was when I didn't react. I stopped reacting to the things that bothered me. Over these past few weeks I have been challenged by my old habits, such as arguing with my sister, picking fights with family members, and in general, speaking without thinking. Because of what I am choosing to believe and how I choose to live, I have to deal with the rejection that comes from society, friends, and even family. Over these past six weeks, I have discovered a new me. I am more free then I have ever been, and I am still learning. I find myself marveling over all that I have been experiencing, and how God has used them to give me perspective and to strengthen me. I no longer fight away the feelings and emotions that, for so long, have been forced deep into the unopened box of my heart. Slowly by slowly God is opening my soul and healing my hearts wounds.

When we returned from our 12 day trip to Mbarara and Kamwange, I wasn't fully aware of how much I had grown up. When I had a chance to reflect over all that had happened I could not pick, out, and name the differences in myself. People can tell you all the time "wow your so different", or "you have really changed", but all that doesn't make sense until you can feel it on your own. I noticed the transformation in me first when I started talking to my mom differently. When she started talking about God, prayer, or gave me verses to look up in the bible, I wasn't ignoring her. I use to laugh at her on the inside, or roll my eyes, or my selective hearing would kick in and I was deaf to all "religious" references. Although that seems to be a very common thing when a parent talks to a their kids in general. There came a time when I was actually anticipating her encouragement and thankful for her prayers.

The next encounter of realization came when I told Momm and Papa, that I wanted to have people pray for me. Now before I go on, I would like to explain to you how I felt about prayer. I found prayer a sort of mantra like any other religion, not to mention completely difficult. I don't think I have ever asked someone to pray for me, especially when it was about something specific. How I saw it, was that if I ever asked someone to pray for me, it was my confession as a failure. What I understand now, is that it is a confession as a failure but not in a bad way. To ask for prayer is admitting we can't do everything or anything on our own. I discovered the fine line of purpose for asking someone to pray for me. I wasn't asking them, so that I didn't have to pray on my own and God would help me through their prayers. How faithless is that? Actually someone very close to me told me once, that if I dont mean it or have faith in God's power and ability, then the prayers of others will be a waste of time. I began finding out how deep my beliefs went and how twisted my faith was. When I took that step of admitting that I couldn't do it on my own, relief overwhelmed me and the sense of humiliation was welcomed. After that moment I was gradually noticing the change everyone was seeing in me. I felt comfortable praying for someone or for something as simple as dinner.

Finally, I find myself loving every moment, and every person, and loving every opportunity and gift God shares with me. I stopped judging others, and started judging myself. Honesty has become such a big thing to me lately because I find no reason to lie. Forgiveness is something I have learned to have for others and even myself. So many of my prayers are being answered, because I feel strong and confident in who I am in Christ. I have faith that whatever comes at me wont kill me, because I have been dead once and I have been revived. I'm being brainwashed? How can I be brainwashed when it wasn't people who encouraged this change in me? The change in me has occurred because I tried everything else, and failed. I was dead on the inside, and I was chosen by Christ to be brought back to life. God know's all things and His purpose for me is higher than those of the people surrounding me.

When you look at me I pray you look past the things I did, past the words I spoke, past the life I lived, and see that none of that is who I was, none of that is who I will be, and none of it is who I am. I am happy, so be happy with me.