I Have A Plan

He Has My Feet ...

Proverbs 16:9

"We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps"

Something has changed in my heart. I live fully for God. I have spent so much of my time crying out to God that He would show me how to surrender everything to and for Him. I always felt like I was but then realized how much I was holding on to. I was a child caught taking candy, and only giving half of my handful while hiding the other half. My hand was clenched so tight that I didn't know how to open it. I asked God over and over to help me open my fists and let Him have it all. He never forced my surrender. He never pulled my fingers apart. All He did was love me, and I soon saw how deep His love is, and I knew that I was missing so much by holding on to the small things. Again I tell you that I would give ANYTHING to walk with Jesus. I would go anywhere He tells me to. He has become my best friend. God is teaching me how to have a partnership with Him, while still letting Him be my leader. I want to experience the greatness of God. I want to be His servant, and His child. My life is devoted to the glory of my King and His Kingdom. In everything that I do, I do for Him.

I was listening to this woman share pieces of her story with us. I had been feeling so dry and distant from everything and everyone. All of the sudden I was overwhelmed by the tears in my eyes. My throat was hurting and I was taking so long to get the words out. I thanked her for sharing her story of pain and suffering. I expressed my amazement of God's mercy and love. She was living proof of that. I dont remember much of what I said, but I remember looking at her and seeing the beauty of Christ all over her. She lived through hell, and I would have never guessed had she not told us. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so deeply about it, and why I was getting so emotional over it. I have heard many heartbreaking stories and never had any kind of reaction like that. She is completely captured by Him. This is when everything changed. My world was turned upside down. All of the sudden I understood. Christ found me. Christ saved me. He brought me out of hell. I was dead, and He gave me life. He gave me that for His purpose and His Kingdom. If I want to live for Him, I have to put my ALL into it. Like the Bible says, there is no lukewarm. He is capturing me. He delights in me and wants me to have a close and growing relationship with Him. I want that too.

A couple of months ago Hannah Smith (my sister), told me that I had to read her book called The Robe. I began it but stopped after the first chapter because I didn't have the time to read it. When I started to feel this change in me I decided to finish this book. It's about a Roman man who crucified Jesus and was left with His robe. It is fictional of course, but it really gave me some perspective. This book allowed me to see God in the human form of Jesus. I began to better understand the personality of Jesus. God was using this simple read, to speak so much into my heart. I have a deeper understanding of the Bible. I dont mean to say that The Robe was my answer, but it was a vessel used by God to speak directly to me the way He knew I could understand. I talk to Jesus all the time now. I feel Him all the time. I want to live my life as though He is walking right next to me because that is how I see Him.

I am a dreamer, and there is nothing wrong with that except that I tend to live in those dreams. I was privileged to spend a week with my dad this Christmas. He took the time to be intentional with me and take interest in my life and encourage me with a heart of love. He told me that it's good to have dreams, but the mistake is when we start living in those ideas and forget about where we are right now, and the path that reaches those dreams. I first heard my thoughts begin denying that I live that way, and instantly my heart was telling me to shut up. I prayed constantly that God would open my ears and eyes to see Him through everything, as my dad and I shared thoughts and opinions. I began to recognize something deeper then the conversation. I am fully aware of my pride and many other weaknesses, so I begged that God would soften my heart to Him and to my dad. I know that Dad wasn't telling me that I live in my dreams, but I soon allowed myself to accept that I am that way. As my dad spoke to me, I heard the voice of God say "listen to Me", and so I did. I knew that God was using my dad to speak to me.

I have been planning a trip back to Uganda, along with my sister and our close friend. I have been so excited about going back, and although I didn't know when that would be, I moved in the direction of taking another trip. We each shared our reasons for going back with my grandparents. They have been very encouraging and supportive of the direction we are going. We really believe that God is in this.

As my dad started talking to me about my need to get a job I started to check out of the conversation. That's when I heard God demand my attention. Something inside of me clicked. Dad talked to me about my need to focus and to be open minded to all possibilities. I have not had very much of an experience of a day-to-day job, being on a pay roll and earning an income to support my living. That doesn't mean I dont know how to work, I just dont know much about being an independent adult in the eyes of this world. My dad has his reasons for me getting a job, but that isn't what pushed me to agree with this plan. I love my dad so much, there are no words to describe how much I love him. I want to show my dad how much I love him by honoring him. I also believe that God is taking me somewhere. I am willing to do whatever He wants me to, even if it means getting a minimum wage or low paying job in some other state, or country. I have never trusted anyone more then I trust my God. I feel as though Jesus has just found me sitting on my porch dreaming of what I could be, and said "follow Me". I'm walking with Him now. I don't need to know the plan or how things will happen. He has given me confidence in my faith and trust in Him. He has blessed me with the love of SO many people. God has given me so much. Now I will go out and do what He ask's of me, by first getting a job. :D

Blair Olivia Burke.

Deeper

Then Deep ......

He began reading from the book, "The Boxcar Children". His pronunciations were perfect. He paused only for a moment then said the word correctly. With an occasional glance he would look to see if he was holding my attention. I was perfectly content to sit there as long as he read. His enthusiasm was hard to ignore. I was actually quite interested in the story of the book. I was so happy that I would sometimes giggle, causing him to turn and frown at me. I was never laughing at his reading but something was happening inside me. All the sudden tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. This 9 year old boy looked at my pathetic attempt to hide my emotions, and smiled in a way that forced my happy tears out. I didn't know what had come over me. To cry over a little boy reading seemed completely ridiculous. Yet there I was happily crying as he continued to read me the story.

.....

Laying there wide awake, with nothing but the light of the moon shining through the window, I could think of nothing to solve my problem. To be honest, I wasn't even sure it was a problem. For some odd reason I didn't feel anything. In comparison to Robyn, I am not as expressive of my emotions as she can be. I know whats going on inside of me and how I am doing, my thoughts usually reveal the cause of my emotions. Something was different, because I wasn't feeling anything and I wasn't thinking about anything. The only thing I could feel was confused and frustrated because my mood wasn't changing. I wasn't sure if I was upset, hurt, content, peaceful, or happy. When I woke that morning, I was discouraged to find that everything was the same, and I was still in this sober and boring mood. Nothing changed throughout the day. My had been filled with things to be happy about, but I remained detached from everything and everyone. Going to bed that night I begged God to help me feel joy, excitement, and love. Again I woke feeling that same emptiness. It was only Momm (Pam) and I for the morning and we decided to go into town for some shopping. My frustration was building and I decided it was time to vent, and Momm was my only listener. It took long enough to get everything out. I struggled to find the words, because there really was no way to explain it right. When I finally finished I waited, anxious to know what advice our input she had. She suggested that maybe God was changing me, and explained that sometimes change is uncomfortable.

Twice that day I was surprised by the overwhelming amount of emotion that took over me at such strange times. I sat by myself just waiting for the tears to stop. Hannah and Robyn sat in front of me waiting for me to say something. All of the sudden it just poured out of me. The truth of my feelings were becoming known to me as I was speaking them. I had never been so full of amazement of God. I was on overload of love for Him and admiration, and it was making me cry. I was curious if this was a result of lack of sleep, or some other reason to cause me to be so emotional. If it was genuine, I was afraid that it wasn't going to last. To my amazement I feel just as deeply as I did that day. There was a drastic change in my heart and I was grateful, for it was an answer to my prayers to be drawn closer to Jesus. I am feeling Him more and more. For so long, sometimes without being aware of it, I never knew Jesus as being a man once living on this earth. I saw Him as being "out there", up in Heaven looking down on us. I didn't know Him as having a personality, and being able to relate to Him. I was discovering the intimacy with Him that I had been missing out on, because of my false assumptions about who God is. I feel Him all the time. I see Him in everything good around me. Now I cry almost every time I talk about Him. My identity is in Him. He lives is me. I cant even begin to describe the excitement and honor that gives me. Things change when nothing else matters. If Jesus walked up to me and said "follow me", I would leave everything, no matter what it was, and follow Him.That is what He has said to me. I am not afraid of losing the things and relationships I have. I trust Him with everything I have, and everything I need. He found me and brought me to life, so I must follow Him. To me there is no greater purpose then that. I will spend the rest of my life doing His will and glorifying Him. His love has no ends, no limitations, and no requirements. His love is forever, unconditional, and for everyone. He is always with me, always loving me. He is always with you, always loving you. I'm done putting God into a box, and limiting Him and His power by my own human imaginations. I have no expectations of The Creator of the earth. It is the most freeing thing to give up my pride, control, and doubt. God is so good, and I am so in love.

Be blessed my friends ... your in my prayers.

~ Blair Olivia