My heart began pounding against my chest, and I could feel the beats in my ears. The palms of my hands started to sweat. I tried to force out the sobs I knew I so badly needed. The moment I looked out the window everything inside me went numb. With my sister sitting next to me, holding my hand, I had absolutely nothing to say. We were home. Or were we? Where is home? What is "home" to me? I guess I can say that I wont reach my true home until I enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Weeks before our return, Robyn and I had started our preparation for the next transition in our lives. Going home. The excitement in me was growing. I couldn't wait to meet everyone again, and let them get to know the real me. I wouldn't say the "new" me, because this is who God intended for me to be. I was just lost, and that was the "old" me. We waited in line at customs, and the nervousness kicked in. What was there to be nervous about? Plenty. As we entered that hall that leads to all the family's waiting for their loved ones to return, I put a smile on my face. A good friend of mine in Jinja once told me about the American smile. He told me that Americans have fake smiles and they do it well. He would point out my fake smile every time it was on display. The thing was I never knew I had a fake smile. It was such a habit for me, because we do it out of courtesy, in an attempt to make someone feel better or to hide our own insecurities and secrets. My friend told me, that the Africans don't have fake smiles. Every time they smile, it has genuine meaning to it. I started to pay attention to the people around me and to myself. I found out that he was completely right. From then on I chose to quit smiling out of politeness or just because I felt like I had to. From then on I was smiling because of a true happiness in me. The more reason I found to be happy, the more I smiled.
Walking into the hall to meet my own family, was the first time in a long time that I forced one of those American smiles on my face. Knowing that I was doing this made me afraid. Afraid that they would see through it, afraid that I would hurt them, afraid that I would always be wearing this pathetic indifferent look. I wiped the smile off my face and let my true emotions show. My nervousness was growing with each step closer to reality, the reality of being back. Robyn and I were one of the last groups to meet our family. There was a good amount of people waiting there. My brother Quintin came running up to us before we reached everyone else. I couldn't help but be shocked at this tall, growing handsome boy coming towards me. The instant he hugged me, that smile of genuine happiness returned. I had missed these people! I was almost in tears as I was overwhelmed by the hugs and excitement. I was happy to see them.
Those of you who have yet to experience life in a different culture and have yet to fall in love with it? I am going to let you in on the secret of our hearts. It's hard! I have gained a new respect and admiration for my grandparents because I can't imagine always saying goodbye then hello every year.
I knew there were many things I was going to miss about Africa. There are so many differences in the two cultures, people, and spiritual life. Culturally there are obvious differences. In the US we are so accustomed to the material lifestyle. We live off of comfort. We thrive off of satisfaction. Some examples, when we are hungry we feed ourselves, when we are cold we throw more clothes on, when we are tired we find a comfortable place to sleep, when we want something we find a way to get it. Don't mistake my meaning of this. I believe that we have been blessed to have a continuous success. The African culture is more tradition in their ways. The changes and successes are gradually making its way. Today's generation of youth have had a huge impact on their development. They dont live off comfort, they dont thrive off of satisfaction. They live day by day. When they are hungry they pray, when they are tired they sleep anywhere, when they want something they let their patience and faith take over. Now there are pros and cons to both sides. One is not greater then another, because we all have weaknesses.
Each person is different in their own way. As a whole Americans are different then Africans. Let me share some of my own observations/opinions. As I said before the Africans are more traditional in their ways, such as being conservative. You would think everyone knew everyone and they are all best friends. No matter what they are doing they greet people, and use that time to relate with one another. When they walk into a room they will take the time to greet every single person individually. Here is how the Americans relate (from my perspective). How often do you walk into a house and pass the people you dont know and wait to be introduced? There is a sense of self righteousness in the need to have your name and position announced. I will say I dont believe that is the motive every time. When we go to the store to shop, how do we treat the employees? How do we treat the people around us? Why have we let our impatient affect our attitudes towards people. The determination we have, has potential to be beneficial but so many times we let that determination hinder us. Determination is good, as long as we have patience to help the balance of things. Obviously I am not directing this towards everyone specifically, but as a whole. Something we have is a sense of security and safety. We are able to trust people before we know them. We trust people until proven otherwise. Africans are very opposite. They dont trust until others prove themselves worthy of it. So again there is a good and bad for both.
Now for my favorite part. Our spiritual differences and similarities are there but I am going to speak to both sides as one, because this applies to us all. All over the world Christianity is becoming a religion. Our churches are becoming institutionalized. I can't say I am a Christian, because I dont belong to a church (building). I am born again because I belong to Jesus Christ. When do we stop being afraid of how we look or what others think of us? When does our spiritual freedom come? Does it come when we hit rock bottom? Does it come after trying everything else? Will it come when we have gone to church and listened to a pastor preach at us? Spiritual freedom will come when we completely surrender EVERYTHING to God. The desires of our hearts will be met when we lay that desire down at the feet of Jesus. Gods purpose for us is greater then any other, so why do we hold on to the small things? God has something so much bigger for us, something unimaginable, something unseen, something fathomless. God is a relational God. He wants to talk with us. He wants us to succeed. He wants us to grow. God is a Father that wants the absolute best for His children. How can we think we know whats best for us when God has already laid out the perfect path? Let a new fire burn in you. Let the ears and eyes of your heart and soul be opened to the Holy Spirit. Church is good, but what is church to you? It's not the building, its not just on Sundays, or the days you meet at the building. Church is not going out and doing good. To me, I see church being the body of Christ living with each other, encouraging one another, and loving everyone.
I mean no offense to anyone, but this is what my heart is saying to me, and I am open to any other words you have to share. When we are open to what others have to say, then we have an opportunity to grow, and who wouldn't want that?
Before we came back, I had done my best in equipping myself for the return trip. I never knew how difficult it would actually be. When we experience something for the first time we can only imagine what it will be like, and that estimate is almost always short of the truth. I am definitely not saying its the worst experience ever. I will explain all sides of this, but right now I am sharing the uglier side of things. The beauty comes after :).
to be continued... again ;)
